Thursday, 27 October 2011

A Sexy Chatlog

Excerpted from a conversation between me and a young lady of my recent acquaintance.

Me: What is it you do, if you don't mind me asking

Me: (is a postgrad student, studying Fine Art)

Her: Nothing so glamorous as being a student. I work overnights at a local convenience store.

Me: common drudgery!

Me: Let me transport you away from it

Her: Ha ha, very much so. I feel like a combination of things at my work, but I make a pretty good living doing it.

Me: with my magic peeeeeenis

Me: :3

/She rides on the magic penis like it's the enchanted carpet from Aladdin.

Me: Oh dear, my magical penis seems to have become stuck in your anus! What a frightful to do!

Her: I suppose the only thing to do is to push in deep then pull back..wiggle it about and see if it can come loose.

Me: That seems risky, what if it creates a pressure imbalance? We will have to make sure your other lower body cavities are properly sealed. Luckily, I happen to have this silicone device here. Observe how it is shaped similiarly to the penis of an implausibly well equipped human male? By grim biological determinism, that is also the shape of your reproductive cavity. You will have to stick this thing in as far as it will go before we even think about moving the cock stuck up your arse.

Her: Well, it's very kind of you to supply me with such a device. I would never question your authority on such manners and I am indeed quite grateful for such sound advice. Perhaps I may trouble you since you are already back there, to place this device inside of me to ensure it goes in quite deep. I should think that once it is in place, you will have to hold onto me quite tightly for purchase lest you fall over as you move your cock. I wouldn't want you to risk injury when you're only trying to help.

Me: That is very considerate of you. Let me see if it just...there we go. My goodness, it slips in quite easily. You must have an unusually elastic vagina, probably from having experienced the miracle of childbirth after a single act of monogamous sexual intercourse. The device fits all the way inside quite easily. Now, perhaps if you were to adopt a kneeling position, with your hands held out in front of you to support your weight? Then, if I feel myself slipping, in the direst of emergencies I can always grab hold of your hair to save myself. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Her: Well, I haven't given birth, but I find that I'm curiously moist. Perhaps that aided in the insertion, but yes, let me kneel so that we're closer to the ground in case one or both of us should fall over. There we are, I'm nice and balanced on my hands and knees. My hair is quite long, so if you need to grab a hold, go right ahead. Here, let me push back against you a bit then pull forward with my hips..are you feeling anything yet? You're in there nice and deep.

Me: Yes. I do rather fear that the only possible way to extricate my penis will be by allowing my erection to subside. The quickest route to this is probably to induce the condition of orgasm as quickly as possible. I know it's a little distasteful, but this is an emergency. If you're sure you're well balanced, if you could just reach round behind me, in to my own anus, and see if you can locate my prostate gland? Manual stimulation of the prostate gland combined with the stimulation of my phallus by being moved round inside your rectal cavity should be the key here, though just in case I shall be using my own hands to massage the fatty tissue accumulations on your chest, as this has been scientifically proven to increase both the rapidity and intensity of the male orgasm, and an orgasm of sufficient intensity may get us out of this predicament quite naturally, without having to wait for any softening

Her: A pity there isn't a young fellow here to assist us, but I would be delighted to help you. Let me moisten my fingers a bit as I would hate to make this unpleasant for you. I admit to being a novice in the area of prostate stimulation but I am a rapt and willing pupil. Tell me, guide me and I shall do your bidding. I'll keep the pace of my hips steady for now whilst I get my fingers moist. If you would gently rub my nipples, pinch them just a bit..that should do the trick. Here, let me push against you hard for a moment..searching..there we are, I have my index finger inside of you, do you require more fingers? I can put another in if it would help with the process.

Me: No, no, for simple prostate stimulation a single finger will suffice, and often be more dextrous, if you push in a little deeper, down a bit...yes, there we go. Perfect. That thing you can feel there is my prostate gland. Massage it gently, and perhaps pull your finger, or maybe two, three, yes, in a triangle...three fingers in and out of my anus a little, stimulating the sphincter on the out-stroke...that's the method. May I compliment you on your milk-producing organs, by the way? They are rather pleasing to the touch. I feel that I may ejaculate soon. it is possible I will lose control over my vocal utterances at this point, yes.


Me: *ahem* apologies for that. As you may have noticed, I have experienced an orgasm. I can now feel that my penis is sufficiently loosened to be removed from your anus without too much fuss. Since you have used your body to cause me to experience an orgasm in my body, I understand that it is appropriate etiquette to use my body to make you experience an orgasm, in your body. I was thinking of employing a method I once saw descrined in a book, where the face parts of a person are inserted in to urination and child production areas of the female and agitated in an appropriate fashion.

Her: I'm quite relieved that I was able to bring you to the desired and necessary orgasm to free your penis from the prison of my anal cavity. Your compliment on my breasts is quite appreciated and flattering. It isn't often that someone is polite and knows such etiquette, though I would be equally pleased with you laying beside me and using your fingers to mimic the motion of your penis. This way, we may continue to converse and I can be treated to the delightful cut of your glib. Words and wit arouse me almost as much as any sexual act, you understand. And I do so enjoy letting the other person see what their affect over me is. Looking into their eyes and getting lost..ah, but I am rambling now, aren't I?

Me: hmphulghumghghlaughlapghffathuaghlphthft?

/He removes his face parts from you crotchparts

Me: Sorry, I didn't hear what you said, I was too busy concentrating on using parts of my body more properly designed to signal emotional states to induce orgasm through the stimulation of the external parts of your urino-genital organs.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Word games..

Let's play a little word game! I call it "We're in Very Serious Trouble". It's really simple to play. Here's what you do:

1: Take a headline from the Daily Express about muslims or islamists.
2: Replace the words 'muslim' with the word 'jew' and the word 'islamist' with the word 'zionist'.
3: Where have I seen this before?



You can do this for hours. Of course, the subtler stuff is more insidious. The Daily Mail, for example, is never quite as blunt with the headlines, but it had five seperate articles about the number of muslims overtaking the number of catholics, and still more about a report suggesting practicing muslims might outnumber practicing christians by 2035. Why is that newsworthy.

I think islam is as bad (or good, depending on how you look at it) as any other religion. 9 times out of 10, anti-islamic sentiment isn't anything about religion though. It's about race. Right wing new sources across Europe are trying to promote fear of an exoticised alien other as a way to sell their newspapers. I know far too many otherwise sensible people who fall for this bullshit. "It's not racism..." they say. That's the point of our little word-game above. You can do it with other words too. Try swapping "immigrant" for "black", "yob" for "untermenschen", and so on. It's better than the crossword.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

The Contents of a Desk Drawer, plus some other things.

Well, my BA is finally over, and my MA application is being scrutinised. I should get around to posting up the other part of my final piece, but in good time eh? I don't think anyone hangs on this blog with bated breath*...though truth be told I should do a lot more with it now I'm an accredited professional. Oh me!

One thing I haven't been is being lazy, it's just the various things I've been doing aren't really displayable on this blog for a number of reasons. First, I have begun writing an irregular column on B-movies called 'Your World Will Hate This' over at a site set up by some internet friends of mine, called Pocket Jury. There's not much up there at the moment, but it's far from professional. Keep on the look-out also for some illustrations I've done for an as-yet unpublished series of film reviews someone else is doing. They're pretty good, but I won't post them here because they're commissions and it ain't my place, unless he abandons the columns, in which case screw him!

Most of the stuff I'm working at at the moment is writing actually, or ideas for writing. I've been fiddling with a few poems and a short story, which might be posted here. Other stuff is long-form and not even really for general public consumption. One project, which I've been working on for about a year now and may have mentioned here before, is a document describing a science-fiction future history I've been working on, mostly in my head, since I was a kid. This now runs to about 50,000 words, over 120 pages, with numerous illustrations. I am not sure what I eventually want to do with it, whether I want to use it as the basis for some fiction or a comic or a shared world-building thing or what. It'll come I think. I've also started sketching and plotting out an idea I have for a graphic novel, which might go somewhere or nowhere. Finally, I'm working on a pen and paper RPG ruleset, with a unique twist that I don't want to reveal at this stage in case I decide to actually do something with it. It might be interesting though! Let's see if I can finish anything!

Another thing I've been doing is tidying my room. This is a literally Herculean task. To provide some content, I have itemised the contents of one of my desk drawers, as I found its variety and inexplicability amusing. This is also related to something that I've been thinking about quite a bit in terms of self-portraits and other things through text without using traditional prose. What would Sherlock Holmes have induced from this lot?


One (1) Roll of black electrical tape
One (1) Pair of RNLI folding binoculars, bright red and yellow
One (1) Plastic display case containing crystals of iron pyrites
One (1) Chick comic tract 'This Was Your Life'
One (1) Small plastic bag containing 2 stainless steel hinges and 4 small screws
Three (3) Durex condoms
One (1) Business card, Paula Bailey, Graphic Design & Photography
One (1) Plastic case containing three badges for the completion of campanology tests (Happy Hunter, Artful Dodger, Champion Campanologist)
One (1) Cross with afficed remembrance poppy and the words 'In Remembrance', designed for graveyard display
One (1) Cigarette rolling machine
One (1) pack of glowsticks, unopened
One (1) Rememberance day poppy, half painted black
One (1) Folding sailors utiliy knife, with various tools
One (1) Marks & Spencers staff identity badge, name 'Linda'
One (1) Medical eyepatch
One (1) Plastic protractor
One (1) 'The George Inn, Newport' cigarette lighter, empty
One (1) pair of dress-makers scissors
One (1) plastic nit comb
One (1) passport photograph of the artist
One (1) Omega watch, broken
One (1) fake Rolex Oyster watch, broken strap
One (1) Wacken Open Air festival 'Metal Town' enamal key-ring
One (1) bobbin 'Marina Green' cotton thread
One (1) Bernados giftaid card
Six (6) black biros
One (1) Convention badge (Amecon 2004) signed by the voice actress Monica Rial
One (1) Anti Nazi League badge
One (1) spectacles strap
One (1) 3 1/2 inch floppy disk, unmarked, broken
Two (2) green rollerball pens
One (1) PS2 to USB adaptor
Two (2) loose snap-off knife blades
One (1) retractable craft knife, accepting the above
One (1) 'Hunt is a 4-letter word' anti fox-hunting badge
One (1) Gold-plated 1/4 inch to 3.5mm jack adaptor
One (1) Misfits dog-tag and chain
One (1) Battery for a Sony Ericsson phone, make unknown
One (1) Stick 'Gloy' glue, dry
Four (4) guitar picks (Gibson thin, Gibson medium, Rotosound thin, Pro-grip medium)
One (1) clay sculpting tool
One (1) pin hammer
One (1) DVD of 'Letter to Brezhnev', from a promotional offer in the Guardian.
One (1) pack of OCB black rolling papers

*or at all.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

BA Final piece #1: The Emerald Tablet

After such a flurry of online inactivity, it seems silly to hit with everything at once. Plus, I just get bored uploading photos! I have two pieces in my BA show, here is one:

The Emerald Tablet
MDF, nails, screws, timber, wood glue, pva, emulsion paint, filler, builders sand, dirt, coffee, masking tape, wheat paste, glicee prints, xerographic prints

I wrote a 7000 word essay about the thoughts behind the meaning of the piece which would probably be too boring to repeat here. In one word, it's about communication. Materially this was a big leap for me; the 'tablet' itself is made entirely from MDF with very minimal timber supports inside. The surface was created using layers of paint, some contaminated, and applying wear marks directly with a variety of tools (linocutters, hammers, chisels etc.). There are about siz coats of paint on there; one white undercoat and one lighter coat on the top dry-brushed, plus several coats of different dirt mixtures made from soil, pva glue and flour. It took a lot of soul searching to begin distressing the glicee prints (it was like fucking burning money) but after one went on a bit weird when it was wheat pasted, and I started being deliberate, I really got into it.

The titles of the prints seperately are:
Top 50 List of Lists (already posted here in an earlier form)
There's No Art
The Map is Not the Territory
First Principles
My Sexual Fantasies
The Lack of Meaning
Can We Say for Certain?

I may post clean digital versions, and some other digital things I've been working on, later. I will also post the other piece I have in the exhibition.

This piece will be exhibited in the show 'STEM' at the Arts University College at Bournemouth, from the 24th to the 30th of June, and at the show 'Brink', The Free-Range Gallery, Brick Lane, London from the 7th to the 11th of July, this year.

Monday, 9 May 2011

New Artist's statement

I'm posting this here because the university email system is broken and I need to get it somewhere! I suppose it's mildly interesting and appropriate as well. The artist's statement is obviously the bit in italics:

As an artist, I am concerned with the imperfections of communication and reproduction. No form of communication provides perfect transmission of information; the codes, languages and structures we use are maps of the world, not the world itself. My work employs processes of appropriation, reproduction and representation to explore the gaps in meaning and understanding between different methods of communication. The art is situated in the uneasy spaces between the text and the font, the image and the mark, the words and the pictures; distorted by the cumulative entropy of reproduction that can never be perfect.

Thursday, 31 March 2011

More art

Blog's picking up again! I've been photographing and scanning a lot of work recently, trying to plan my piece for the degree show. Here's three images I have prepared for the catalogue.

Top 50 Lists (Top 50 Songs at the Moment, Top 50 Classic Films, Top 25 B-Movies, Top 50 Novels, Top 40 Artists, Top 40 Writers, Top 40 Thinkers, Top 25 Reference Works, Top 10 Gay Icons, Top 50 Musicians, Top 20 Metal Bands, Top 50 Poems, Top 30 Games, Top 20 Industrial Artists, Top 30 Graphic Novels, Top 20 Essays, Top 25 Traditional Folk Songs or Ballads, Top 30 Webcomics, Top 50 Science Fiction Short Stories, Top 50 Dance Songs, Top 2 Parents, Top 30 Plays, Top 20 Heavy Metal Songs About Heavy Metal, Top 35 Mass Murderers, Top 20 Meals, Top 50 Works of Art, Top 20 Evil Wizards, Top 20 Good Wizards, Top 50 Mad Scientists, Top 10 Vampires, Top 30 Confectionery, Top 10 Occult Religions, Top 20 Websites, Top 8 Family Pets, Top 40 Fictional Weapons, Top 20 Conspiracy Theories, Top 20 Pigments, Top 25 TV Series, Top 20 Space Rock Bands, Top 20 Suicides, Top 5 Pseudonyms, Top 25 Cartoons, Top 10 Norse Gods, Top 25 Beers and Ciders, Top 10 Psychopomps, Top 15 Spirits, Top 20 Giant Robots, Top 20 Non-Giant Robots, Top 20 Mythical Figures)
Acrylic paint, ink, pen, correction fluid, photocopies.

Satan Rides the Media
Acrylic paint, ink, pen, PVA glue, correction fluid, photocopies.

A Twitch, Boys and Girls, and That's All There is to It
Woodcut prints, acrylic paint, coffee.

Given the recent massacre of the arts I'm finding it more and more important to use cheap, unregarded materials. Plus I have no money, which helps a hell of a lot!

Monday, 28 March 2011

Statement of Solidarity

There were more protests against the Con-Dem governments devestating program of public sector cuts this weekend. For the first time, I wasn't able to attend (I attended the large student-oriented demonstrations in November and December, and was among those kettled and detained until nearly midnight on Westminster Bridge in a puerile show of police intimidation). Once again, there was violence, and once again the predictable response. From the right, derision and calls for harsh measures, including banning 'known troublemakers' from attending protests and banning face coverings. From the left, tutting and hand-wringing. This quote from Christopher Phelps in a Guardian opinion column is typical:

"These self-styled "revolutionary anarchists" are young and not, by and large, workers. They have at least enough money and privilege to risk a night or two in jail and to pay the fines."

Given statements like this, I feel I need to add my voice to the scant voices of support. In the process I will spell out my political position on the matter.

First, I will state that I am an anarcho-socialist. I will also say that I am young, that I am not at present a worker, and that I enjoy white and male privilege, as well as the privilege of having come from a reasonably well off background. I fit a useful stereotype to some commenters of the radical anarchist. But my experience tells me that people of my politics come from all walks of life, all ethnicities, gender and sexual orientations, all social classes: anarchism is a moral position, not an economic one. None of that affects the rightness (or wrongness) of what I have to say, and it does not affect my right to carry out direct action, nor the rightness (or wrongness) of that action. I do not view the authority of the state, which is merely a monopoly on 'acceptable' violence, as in any way legitimate. The fact that the government pays the policeman to inflict bodily harm on other people in the supposed defence of shadowy abstract concepts does not make the policeman a better person. One could easily argue that it makes him much worse*. In viewing the conflict between the protestors and the police, I take the same view as I would in any streetfight. In the last two protests, I saw people being viciously beaten, and I saw them fighting back with equal viciousness. That is how a normal person reacts to being assaulted; this time, people apparently came armed (with ammonia stink bombs, at least. Hardly molotovs.) I can hardly blame them.

So, I cannot condemn the protestors morally for fighting with the police. I also cannot blame them for their assaults against property. Anyone who balks at the sight of banks and Oxford street shops getting trashed can only be feeling sympathy for those who own them. I have very little sympathy for such people, and absolutely none for their wallets. Can I condemn them on tactical grounds? Many organisations on the far left have been subject to police infiltration by the Special Demonstration Unit, the National Public Order Intelligence Unit and probably other groups, as recent news stories have made very clear. These agents often act as provocateurs, heightening levels of violence, whilst making sure that violence is directed in such a way that the police can be prepared to meet it with an overwhelming response. This helps form part of a well rehearsed media play in which everyone has their role, decrying this, calling for harsher measures against that. This may have been partly responsible for events on Saturday. Does that make these events worse; are people who took part in the violence undignified dupes? Hardly. If violence is inevitable, the only practical course of action is to defend ones-self, and to make it count as much as possible. Police tactics outside of the use of agent provocateurs serve to make violence unavoidable anyway. Anyone who has not experienced the reality of kettling, baton charges, mounted charges, cannot understand the psychological pressures involved. The human mind and body react on instinct in such situations. When flight becomes impossible, one must fight. When a group of people are caught in a kettle, they try and escape. When you are pushed by a crowd of thousand from behind, and horses or policemen charge from the front, you attack them. When you are struck, you fight back. Those who come to protests ready to do serious fighting actually probably do a great service protecting those who are not prepared to defend themselves from the worst police brutality. I have seen people holding up their hands in surrender being struck in the face. I have heard a policeman call a teenager girl a bitch and threaten to crush her with his horse as she pleads for him to let her out. What did the violence accomplish? It put the story on the front page of most newspapers (The News of the World and the Daily Express pushed it to the inside, I believe). It wrecked thousands of pounds worth of capitalist gear. It made for some great pictures. It sent a continuing, powerful message of anger. It made people on the left from other countries look at Britain and express their solidarity with our struggle. The right wing press would never have had sympathy with the marchers or their goals anyway (indeed, The Daily Mail recently 'proved' that no cuts are actually occuring, which will be glad news to anyone working in education, healthcare, libraries, local councils, the arts etc.). The visible face of public discourse in this country is run by Rupert Murdoch and is ilk, who view the commodificaiton of everything as an extremely admirable goal, as it means they'll be able to buy more of everything. Ignore their prattle.

What of the much-touted dignity of non-violent protest? There is a place for non-violence, a very important place. Any moral system, any moral philosophy, minimises violence as much as possible. Yet, vandalism is not truly violence; and there are few who can stoically accept a beating. And why should they? The violence of the police (which includes arrest and detention, both forms of violence against an individual) is far greater, and is always at every protest far greater than the violence of the protestor. No one on the left should cast scorn upon the fist from below, unless they also, in the strongest possible terms, condemn the boot from above.

So let me say: Solidarity to the peaceful marchers. Solidarity to all workers, unemployed, students, teachers, doctors and every other type of person who stands against this ruinous government via direct or indirect action. But most of all, solidarity to all those who fought on Saturday. Solidarity to those who were arrested and those who were hospitalised. Don't listen to those who would divest themselves of your actions; your actions were legitimate.

Now, let's fuck up the royal wedding. Let there be pictures of the snot-nosed couple pelted with rotten eggs and buric acid, showing the world just what the people of Britain think. Let's spoil the orgy of nationalism and excess and deference. Let's ruin the olympics after that. No more bread and circuses!

*This isn't really about Phelp's article, but I find it incredibly rich for him to talk about the wobblies and say who is and isn't a worker, then turn round and say things like "[the black bloc anarchist] whacks the shields of policemen who earn less in a year than a banker does in a day." Since when has the policeman been part of the oppressed?

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

A little update.

I got some really good stuff coming along. I am working ferociously hard: standard day is get up about 7, get into uni around 9, work till 8pm, go home, work more, sleep, repeat. I haven't been scanning or photographing much the stuff that I'm getting ready for my final piece (though I'll soon be doing wall tests, next Friday actually, and I will post some images.) But I just remembered I had a few scanned images from back in January or so that I had never put up. Big new development in my artistic practice has been making woodblock prints using linocutting tools and blocks of MDF. It's crude and expressive, just how I like it baby. I've also been working on a lot of digital stuff which I won't show here because it doesn't really make any sense just on a screen.

Ok, without further ado, some stuff:

Dead White Men
Acrylic paint photocopy

Woodcut print

William Blake (After Thomas Phillips)
Acrylic paint, coffee

Monday, 17 January 2011

Negotiated Practice 2 Presentation

Man, I had forgotten how much goshdang work was involved in university. Or rather, I hadn't forgotten, as if I'd been doing enough goshdang work previously I wouldn't have been kicked off the course. Twice. But hey!

Not too much that's very interesting to show, this post is just mainly to keep this thing alive, plus to prove that I haven't just been slacking off sulking in some pit. This is what I presented for my group critique this Thursday gone. It's basically just all the work I've been doing for the last three months blutacked on the wall of a little crappy room. Enjoy:

Apart from this, I have also been doing a bunch of writing in the last few months. Some of it is course related (ie. my Dissertation), much isn't. Something may come of it: something may not. Eets a Meestery.

Maybe I will post more things more often but come on, you know what to expect by now.